Monster Mommy Meltdown

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

In the recent month, I've broken down to tears of frustration and exhaustion exactly twice. As I've shared in my previous blog post, Joaquin has become seemingly tireless these days. That would've been completely fine as putting it that way, it only means he's growing normal, strong & healthy. But with all that new found activeness also comes a whole new level of clingy.

one of the morning tantrums around the time
all the clingy-ness started
Don't get me wrong, on one end I can view it as lambing and at times find it heartwarming, even. However, if you've been following my entries, you know I'm completely yaya-less and maid-less, though my amazing hubby shares the burden of most house chores. However, when that time of the day comes when you're struggling between finishing one thing and trying to move onto the next one, and you have a baby wailing in the background to be picked up, that's when it kicks in. Imagine, Joaquin starts his fussing towards the end of his breakfast time when he starts getting bored of sitting in his high chair away from me, and that escalates for the entire duration of his bath-time when I have to place him in his tub to get properly cleaned (picture an enclosed space with all the crying echoing and bouncing off the walls for a good 15 minutes) and by the time the first 2 hours of our morning is over his tantrums are full-blown that I feel like screaming into a pillow or just collapsing. Whichever comes first. At any point, he would stop if and only when I pick him up, or sit him in my lap, or just cuddle. Even at night, when I attempt to do majority of chores while he sleeps, he stirs and ends up screaming his head off - with matching projectile vomiting sometimes - the soonest he realizes I'm not beside him. 

when he used to be able to play on his own, enough for me
to accomplish chores
He has mostly good days, when the clingy-ness is fairly manageable and I just have to be creative in dealing with it - walking him around the house, handing him stuff to tinker with, or just dropping everything else altogether to just play or be near him. The problem is, I can't do that 24/7 even if I wanted to. First, I just don't have that energy because I never get enough rest. Second, I feel like I badly need to breathe and I hardly get any opportunity - day or night, weekday or weekend. What drives me to tears on top of it all isn't even the physical drain, but the idea that I'm failing big-time as a mom. I have to battle with the thought that I've become horrible because I feel like all this is making me resentful when it's in fact supposed to be my job. I feel worse that because I've no friends my age who can relate, I have no one else but my husband to dump my ranting on & he has no choice but to deal with my occasional woes, which consequently makes me very guilty. So I've given in twice to that monster of a meltdown that seemed to have been looming over me, and ironically, it's highly cathartic. 

On the good 5-10 minutes of some days (which I oh-so treasure), I just keep on reminding myself that it'll pass. That I'm greatly blessed to have a completely normal, healthy baby boy who will not want this same level of closeness with me when he grows older, and that I might as well treasure it because I'll probably crave and miss his hugs and snuggles by then. Or I just use all those minutes to shut my mind completely. 

If you've gone through this phase, you truly deserve an applause. I have yet to learn and figure out how you do it. And if you're a mom going through this, too, then you are not alone. If you're an upcoming mom though, this isn't an enlistment of complaints made to scare the bejeezus out of you, I swear - but merely sharing the new phase we've entered & how I'm dealing. According to Babycenter.com, it is around this time up until the following few months that separation anxiety is at its peak, and it's normal to have your baby suddenly exhibit extreme attachment to you and sometimes even fear every one else. The best advice I can give - though your tips are very much welcome, too (!) - is still to make sure you carve out time for yourself, no matter how much you can get. It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-out getaway trip to the Island of Peace and Quiet, but can even be a simple indulgence in a warm bath, or a slow guiltless binging on a tub of ice cream. It will do wonders, I guarantee you.



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