10 Things About Pregnancy No One Told Me About

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

My hilarious pensieve on the things I wish someone warned me about pregnancy. If pregnancy came with a comedic insert or pamphlet, this is what I picture it would say:

1) Don't wear any whites during your first trimester - these are not vomit-tolerant clothes.

2) You will eat like a horse, but do not freak out. The coffee bean you're harboring during your first trimester will suck up all the calories and balloon into a mini-elephant soon enough.

3) Purplish worm-like marks may appear on your belly & upper thighs. Moisturize a whole lot at least a year before. The stupid marks will haunt you for life if you don't.

4) Bawl when you feel like it. You're not going psycho, just hormonal. Do avoid lashing out on your partner & friends though, lest they bail on you.

5) DIY pedicures will be impossible on your third trimester. You won't be able to reach your toes properly. Hence, professional assistance will be necessary.

6) you will forever feel sorry for laughing at all the preggos you thought walked funny. There's no way you can keep the runway walk you privately bragged about while feeling like you have a bowling ball between your legs. Don't worry, you won't care anyway because your back will be in pain & your feet will ache after 3 mins of walking.

7) Savor all the sleeping-on-your-back you can get. You'll feel later on as if your organs & spine are being sat on when you lie down that way.

8) In fact, savor all the sleep positions you can make since you can only face either left or right once baby is out & you decide to co-sleep.

9) Okay, just savor sleeping. Period. You'll never get as much as you want to for a looooong while even after giving birth

10) The public will be generally more courteous to you once you're belly's bulging. They will offer you seats, elevator spots, and queue turns. Don't panic, the world isn't coming to an end. Just take advantage & enjoy one of the few perks of being Shamu for a bit.

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